Teal Deer About Your CR Meme

[quiethumerus]

♥ post with your characters
♥ respond to other people's characters with your characters
♥ they tell you in detail what their character thinks of your character, ic or ooc! tl;dr is enouraged.
♥ then you react if you want!
♥ other people do the same thing to you! maybe you can harvest your tl;dr to use in a CR chart later!

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[quiethumerus]

Meulin in many ways is a focus point for Kurloz's best and his worst. I think in a lot of ways, when things went tits up for these two in their youth, Kurloz just decided to leave his heart back on that beach, with her. Unlike canon, he didn't get mindfucked right that moment, but instead had to make a choice. He could keep his people "safe" or he could be the kid he was. He didn't see an option where both could be had. If he kept talking, if he kept his old moral ground, people were going to pay for it. So in unfortunate logic, he gave up his heart because he cared. At first. And then over time of living the way he did, he kept it gone because there was no place for it in the Capitol and it only hurt him to feel anything more. But he had to act for that, and after a lot of pretending not to hurt, it did get to him. He'd been hurting a lot when Caiaborus offered him an out and, not anticipating seeing his D4 friends again and just wanting his family, he took that out. It's not like he could've been allowed to be anything else. Otherwise he would've been dragged off a long time ago.

So he signed himself up for that, and once done, it wasn't scary anymore. Meulin showed up and even then he didn't have a regret for doing what he did. How could he?

But with Meulin having showed up, she also brought that old heart with her and he doesn't much know what to do with it anymore. He's grown without it and it doesn't fit. The thing is covered in dust and full of holes from being left to sit. It's best in regards to her but even that has a mark upon it, one big old stain in the form of what happened to her. Of course, he knows that his father hurt her and Tuna, he knows the Peacekeepers were involved in turning a blind eye, but his father warned him not to speak and he dared to. Meulin was the result. And so, Meulin is his fault for she would've been fine if only he learned to keep his mouth shut.

Therefore, to love her even as a friend means to keep his mouth shut and his head down. It's too entangled. He's not bitter about his silencing, he's glad he did it, but it doesn't make it okay. It means he lost who he is, it means he doesn't truly know her but an idealized vision. He is a true prince of rage in that trying SO DAMN HARD to fix things, to remove such anger and passion and seemingly detrimental things, he's ended up destroying himself instead and everyone around him too and he can't even see Meu as a victim to that.

He's not good for Meulin, without a doubt. In a lot of ways, he knows this. Otherwise he wouldn't have been guilty about it or have waited at all. But being in denial about everything means "what's the worst that could happen if you kiss???"

Meulin represents good things of the past, but unlike himself, has actually retained many of those good qualities. She's kind, joyful, enthusiastic, friendly, and for all that, she's always willing to lend an ear, even if she can't hear with it anymore. It took no time at all for Kurloz to determine she didn't hate him. She deserves the whole world, in his mind. This will never change. She trusts him and he doesn't want to let her go. The problem is him.

He really does hope this will make her safe. He really wants to believe that is all for good. It has to be, or he doesn't know what he's done everything for.